Darkness to Light

It’s that time of year again, to expose myself.

Don’t worry, I am who I say I am; I am not a Robot. I am generally an okay person who means well most of the time. I smile a lot. I give Salam to just about everyone with the fattest smile on my face. I like to help selective others. I disliked being helped. I usually have something to say about everything even if it’s ‘no comment.’ I am broken; I’ve always been. I think I am doing a pretty darn good job at concealing it than any concealer. I converse and am considered down to earth, if not weird(code word for not average/different alhamdulillah), I laugh, I joke, but I am depressed, just off and on or sometimes more than others. I would say, to the best of my knowledge, I’ve only been truly happy for a fixed length of time, once. Now, I just feel like a cancer patient as it is easier to smile and pretend everything is okay as opposed to sharing my naked thoughts.

The question that I constantly ask myself is based on the following Quranic verse, “Indeed, Allah will not change the condition of a people until they change what is in themselves.” So, I ask myself, what did I do right that one time when I considered myself truly happy? I look back and testify that I fulfilled my obligations, I prayed loads of voluntary prayers, I fasted loads of voluntary fasts, and I stood up in the last third of the night and asked Allah for the small things. To me, this solution worked for me, so, I duplicate such actions today, in hope for a better and durable tomorrow. Inshallah, it will kick in soon, or I will find another complimentary solution for my current affairs.

My threshold is above average. Yet, I am the type of person who most likely will explode when I bottle too many things by brush them off or giving them little significance when they butcher me internally. I engage in self-blame because it seems like the only rational excuse. Don’t tell me the horrors of self-blame because I already now how destructive it is but to me it’s a coping mechanism. So, I bottle and bottle things up and occasionally open the lid and allow some of the bottles content to escape temporarily by venting. I honestly don’t know what I am looking for when I invest my pain in them, but it seems like I am on the receiving end of uncalled sympathy, which leads to regret because I chose to open my mouth. But Alhamdulillah, I have this one friend who I adore. Subhanallah, she is half way across the world, and she is my biggest and only team player. She fights for me when I unable to fight for myself. Apart from her and one other individual who I believe has it worse than me, nobody understands. You won’t understand too. It’s not a physical pain, it’s a mental pain, and it’s a physiological pain. I ask myself, why I don’t consult the Creator because there is wisdom to why I feel the degree that I feel. But I can’t help but connect that to the verse, I mentioned earlier.

How do I help me? Because at the end of the day, the reality is the only person I have is, me. I have to be superwomen for myself. I have a very low emotional IQ, I really have to work on that.

Note: I am not sad, so, don’t be. I’ve accepted this reality. I will wake up tomorrow with a smile on my face and proceed with my life in the hope of a better day. And I will go undetected. Inshallah, I will find my way. Today’s darkness is tomorrow’s light.  

So, Inshallah, follow readers, don’t be too quick to judge fellow humans because there are endless magnitudes to everything. One mans’ pain is another mans’ nothing. And please, don’t tell me, everything is going to be okay because I know it is. If you can, make dua for me. And I ask Allah to guide us through the tests he tests us with. 

Have a great week everyone. I hope this post was insightful.

30 thoughts on “Darkness to Light”

  1. I pray you find contentedness, and joy in your everyday life again. Not everyone recognizes what has helped them in the past, so I applaud you for knowing what it was the made you happy. May you keep performing acts to bring yourself closer to Allah, and I hope you find the courage to ask for help from people when you need it. I pray that Allah eases your heart and spirit, so you won’t have to conceal yourself off from anyone anymore. God Bless.

  2. I can understand what you’re saying – it resonated a lot with me. My best friend lives halfway across the world too, and sometimes I hate that, but then I think, at least I have her.
    I hope you find your way!

  3. I am one who really cannot judge others and always like to remind others not to judge! Nobody knows what is going on behind that person’s smile. When things look bad I always remind myself of those worse off to keep me strong.

  4. True, change comes from a pace of awareness and consciousness; its great that you have taken strides in the direction of change of already. May Allah (swt) keep you and us steadfast always.

    I’m excited that you took the initiative to duplicate those actions and habits that once made you truly happy. Masha Allah that’s a conscious effort to prioritise positivity in your life. Its a technique that top psychologists only recently discovered in their study of positive emotions. May the light of the Qur’an shine endlessly in our lives.

    Before I sign out, remember that ‘the believers are sisters and protectors of one another’; I pray that you find peace and comfort in such beautiful gift of sisterhood even if its halfway across the world. Stay blessed.

    1. Awwww. Allahuma Ameen!!!

      I didn’t know what am doing was a scientifically proven technique. It seems like Allah is guiding me, :)

      Thank you for your kind words, Amina.

  5. It’s really brave of you to put yourself in a vulnerable position by ‘exposing’ yourself. If we could all do this then I’m sure we would be less judgemental of others. Thank you for the insight.

  6. subhanallah, may Allah make it easy for you. I tests those whom he loves, every pain you feel is an expedition of your sins and Allah knows you better than you know yourself and I am sure He who has created you will reward you for your patience. May Allah bless you with true happiness that can only be found with iman, May Allah grant you the best in this world and the best in the hereafter. x

  7. This post is a reminder not to judge anyone. I think it is very brave of you to come and expose yourself. May Allah bless you with utmost happiness. Ameen

    1. Allahu Ameen!! Subhanallah!! its comments like this that make my day. Subahanallah!! When I am overwhelmed with life I will just turn back to these comments.
      Thanks you Veena!!

  8. “So, I ask myself, what did I do right that one time when I considered myself truly happy?’ – the million dollar question. It’s amazing that you’ve shared such vulnerability to the world, you sound like the kind of woman who’ll get through it – no matter what happens. It’s a beautiful strength thats reflected in your words.

    1. I will get through it!! I have to no other choice plus I don’t see any other alternative!! So, Alhamdulillah for everything.
      Thank you for your comment Umme Hafsa!!

  9. Subhan Allah. You know, you say the things that I have the courage not to. I find myself feeling as you, but even so I think you are better than me. I bottle things up, but the world does not perceive my pain or loneliness and aside from this lonely comment, I won’t speak of it again. What I think of the most dealing with my mental anguish and emotional and psychological tortures is that “Allah is with those who patiently persevere”.

    I am reading this book, Reclaim Your Heart, and something in it has really resonated with me. This world is not home, so how can be ever truly be happy settling for something that is not the perfect place we yearn for?

    I also am considering, and have been for a long time, taking this course. I suggest it to you, maybe it will be of use :) May Allah bless you for your struggles and your honesty and bless you with the best of things in this life and certainly the next.

    1. Awwwww, Thank you for sharing!!! Subahanallah!! The truth is so many others are dealing with like struggles and the beauty is that they mold us, inshallah in most cases if not all, for the better. May Allah ease all your affairs, Vanessa!!
      Ameen and thanks for your lovely duaas!! Thank you for the book and course suggestion. I will definitely look into it,

  10. “how can I help me?” everyone should ask this question. Change, growth, hope and answers lie within us and not in the help of others. I applaud your strength to be able to share such raw and personal thoughts.

  11. much love lovely. I have stopped saying things like it will be ok and hope that whatever troubles you, there is light at the end of the tunnel for you. I think we often hide ourselves too much worrying it may upsetting others. Chin up and I hope that writing this post has helped you :)

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