It’s that time of year again, to expose myself.
Don’t worry, I am who I say I am; I am not a Robot. I am generally an okay person who means well most of the time. I smile a lot. I give Salam to just about everyone with the fattest smile on my face. I like to help selective others. I disliked being helped. I usually have something to say about everything even if it’s ‘no comment.’ I am broken; I’ve always been. I think I am doing a pretty darn good job at concealing it than any concealer. I converse and am considered down to earth, if not weird(code word for not average/different alhamdulillah), I laugh, I joke, but I am depressed, just off and on or sometimes more than others. I would say, to the best of my knowledge, I’ve only been truly happy for a fixed length of time, once. Now, I just feel like a cancer patient as it is easier to smile and pretend everything is okay as opposed to sharing my naked thoughts.
The question that I constantly ask myself is based on the following Quranic verse, “Indeed, Allah will not change the condition of a people until they change what is in themselves.” So, I ask myself, what did I do right that one time when I considered myself truly happy? I look back and testify that I fulfilled my obligations, I prayed loads of voluntary prayers, I fasted loads of voluntary fasts, and I stood up in the last third of the night and asked Allah for the small things. To me, this solution worked for me, so, I duplicate such actions today, in hope for a better and durable tomorrow. Inshallah, it will kick in soon, or I will find another complimentary solution for my current affairs.
My threshold is above average. Yet, I am the type of person who most likely will explode when I bottle too many things by brush them off or giving them little significance when they butcher me internally. I engage in self-blame because it seems like the only rational excuse. Don’t tell me the horrors of self-blame because I already now how destructive it is but to me it’s a coping mechanism. So, I bottle and bottle things up and occasionally open the lid and allow some of the bottles content to escape temporarily by venting. I honestly don’t know what I am looking for when I invest my pain in them, but it seems like I am on the receiving end of uncalled sympathy, which leads to regret because I chose to open my mouth. But Alhamdulillah, I have this one friend who I adore. Subhanallah, she is half way across the world, and she is my biggest and only team player. She fights for me when I unable to fight for myself. Apart from her and one other individual who I believe has it worse than me, nobody understands. You won’t understand too. It’s not a physical pain, it’s a mental pain, and it’s a physiological pain. I ask myself, why I don’t consult the Creator because there is wisdom to why I feel the degree that I feel. But I can’t help but connect that to the verse, I mentioned earlier.
How do I help me? Because at the end of the day, the reality is the only person I have is, me. I have to be superwomen for myself. I have a very low emotional IQ, I really have to work on that.
Note: I am not sad, so, don’t be. I’ve accepted this reality. I will wake up tomorrow with a smile on my face and proceed with my life in the hope of a better day. And I will go undetected. Inshallah, I will find my way. Today’s darkness is tomorrow’s light.
So, Inshallah, follow readers, don’t be too quick to judge fellow humans because there are endless magnitudes to everything. One mans’ pain is another mans’ nothing. And please, don’t tell me, everything is going to be okay because I know it is. If you can, make dua for me. And I ask Allah to guide us through the tests he tests us with.
Have a great week everyone. I hope this post was insightful.